A Sensual Man is a Consensual Man:
There has been a lot of discussion on sexual consent lately with some high profile examples in the media getting a lot of attention.
I consider myself to be a man of good morals with a healthy respect for women and a clear understanding of consent. But I became a bit puzzled and concerned over some of the comments I was seeing about consent so I began to probe a little deeper.
While attempting to research consent issues more closely I discovered a range of often conflicting opinions on what did and did not constitute consent, and on how consent should be obtained and maintained throughout a sexual encounter. This was one of the better references I found on the exploration of consent.
These often conflicting opinions may also explain why there has historically been a wide range of legal outcomes in cases of sexual assault where consent has been argued. With this in mind I thought it was important to discuss sexual consent from my own opinions and experiences in order to explore the differences between consensual and non-consensual activities.
Note: I just want to be very clear to viewers of this website: All of the contents, descriptions, opinions, and advice provided here are based on mainstream, “vanilla” sex. I understand that there is an entire spectrum of non-mainstream sexual activities which “play with consent” ranging from rough sex, to BDSM, to non-consensual consent, and rape fantasies. But I do not have personal experience with these activities and as such I am not qualified to make any recommendations or give advice beyond mainstream, “vanilla” sex; especially as it relates to consent.
Non-consensual sex is not simply an issue of poor moral character stemming from bad choices. More importantly it can have permanent emotional and physical consequences for the recipient and can be a legal issue leading to criminal charges for the perpetrator. For these reasons it is important to understand that although consent may appear to be a spectrum it can be viewed from a purely black and white perspective when examined more closely.
As with other topics I have explored on this website I found it helpful to break the topic down into levels or gradients in order to make the apparent spectrum more clear. In this case I have broken consent into 4 categories ranging from full consent to non-consent.
1-Full Consent:
Obviously full consent is given when your partner tells you explicitly and unambiguously that she wants to have sex, or that she wants to do something specific during sex. This makes sense from a legal standpoint because it is difficult to argue that the words YES or NO could be misinterpreted. There are even arguments being made now that the only unambiguous form of consent is verbal because there can be no mistaking the differences between YES and NO.
Moreover some are now arguing that verbal consent should be sought and obtained through each progressive step from kissing through to intercourse (even preceding sexual activity). But is this practical? Currently it is uncommon to ask your partner for verbal permission for any steps let alone progressively. I think that most women would find the repetitive permission seeking process redundant, and even frustrating if they were already (obviously) willing participants. But who knows if that will become the societal norm in the future.
This may be an extreme example, but I recently read where a mother was not comfortable taking her daughter to see the movie Sleeping Beauty because it featured a scene of a man kissing a woman without asking her permission first. I’m sure most of us are familiar with the plot of this story. If the man had not kissed Sleeping Beauty because he lacked consent then the result would have been that she would remain trapped in sleep for eternity (not the best outcome). Moreover I think most would agree that if the prince had asked Sleeping Beauty afterwards if she was comfortable with him kissing without permission she would have been fine with it.
Presently the commonly accepted standard of full consent is for both parties to be “willing participants”. This is the standard that most of us are familiar and comfortable with even though it is limited by the requirement for willingness to be interpreted. To me if the strength of her consent is dependent on my ability to interpret her willingness then I would want the interpretation of her (non-verbal) consent to be as robust as possible.
So to me a more accurate definition of (non-verbal) consent is when the woman is a willing and enthusiastic participant. So if you are not explicitly asking for your partner’s verbal consent, my recommendation is to pay careful attention to how she is interacting with you and only accepting her “enthusiastic participation” as a non-verbal indicator of consent.
I realize that this requires you to interpret her response, and that there is a chance you might get it wrong. But if you are paying attention and are erring on the conservative side (assuming less enthusiasm than you are witnessing) then there should be very little risk of you pushing your partner’s boundaries.
As with any issues between couples you should try to clarify and resolve potential issues through communication.
2-Partial Consent:
Unfortunately this is a gray area that many couples find themselves in because sometimes your partner will “go along” with something she does not actually like. For couples in relationships this could range from your partner consenting to sex even though she is not in the mood, or consenting to a sex act that does not really interest her because she wants to please you or doesn’t want to hurt your feelings.
For dating couples who are new to each other the woman may be experiencing some reluctance or discomfort due to religious beliefs (taboos that sex is bad), or societal pressures (good girls don’t, she doesn’t want to appear to be too eager/easy, or she is worried about her reputation), or even discomfort with her body/appearance.
In these situations your partner will often verbally confirm her consent if asked, and claim that she is a willing participant (by this I mean when you ask if she is ok, she insists that she is and wants to continue). But if you are having doubts about her comfort or willingness then maybe she is not an enthusiastic participant.
So while this situation meets the legal definition of consent it is questionable that it meets the definition of full consent and that presents some moral/social issues if you continue. Proceeding with sex without attempting to resolve these issues can lead to unsatisfying sex, and could lead to long term friction and discomfort in your relationship. This is why I typically describe partial consent as a relationship issue rather than a legal issue.
The solution to this issue is the same as for most relationship issues… communication. In this case you should patiently explain to your partner that you can see she is uncomfortable with some aspect of the sex, and that you wish for sex to be as comfortable and pleasurable as possible for both of you. Explain to her that you will not continue unless you are sure she is fully relaxed and comfortable with it, and then reinforce that statement by not doing it if she seems uncomfortable.
This will hopefully open her up to discussing what is making her uncomfortable and the two of you can work on how to resolve her discomfort/unease. I’m not guaranteeing this will result in a full resolution, but showing her that you take her personal comfort seriously will go a long way towards making her more comfortable and enthusiastic
3-Eventual Consent:
This is a situation where your partner initially does not consent to sex or a particular activity but you overcome her “barriers” through persuasion or coercion until she eventually agrees.
For couples in long term relationships this is unfortunately a far too common situation where the woman is “not in the mood” and her partner pressures, negotiates, argues, cajoles, (or worse) with her until she “consents”. Boundary pushing applies to long term relationships just as much as casual relationships and is not how non-consent should be resolved.
There are many reasons why your partner may not be in the mood for spontaneous sex ranging from fatigue, hormonal balances, daily work stresses, or relationship stresses. If you are frequently finding your advances rejected my advice is to try putting more planning into your sex, and learn to make your partner more receptive or get her in the mood using pre-foreplay techniques like chore-play. This will have a much more positive impact on your long term relationship than treating her rejection as a barrier to be overcome.
In a dating environment the man often tries to initiate sex with his partner in many cases by escalated touching only to meet with reluctance, resistance, or some other form of rejection. The man often assumes that this reluctance can be overcome by attempts to get the woman more aroused so he continues touching and escalating.
If what I have said so far hasn’t convinced you that you are committing sexual assault by continuing, then maybe the graphic above will help make it clear.
I come from a generation where this attitude was prevalent and was frequently reflected in movies where the “hero” tries to embrace the woman and she struggles and tries to push him away. The hero responds by grabbing her and forcefully kissing her on the lips. After struggling for a few more seconds the woman either surrenders to the hero’s passion, or to her own feelings which she had been suppressing (or both).
I think that historically these outdated displays of “romance” lead men to believe that women’s reluctance was simply an obstacle to be overcome, and women to believe that playing hard to get was an expected part of romance. Some of these behaviours are still present today to some extent and might help to explain why there is still ongoing confusion around consent and communicating consent.
It is this behaviour that leads men to use the expression “No means Yes“.
Note that all of the scenarios I have described are actually examples of boundary pushing. In every example the woman did not verbally say no, but instead tried to rely on barriers which the man ignored. This is not a good situation to be in, and could result in hurt feelings (at best), and accusations of sexual assault (at worst).
My advice to men who find themselves in a situation where their love interest seems to be showing reluctance is… STOP. Back off, cool off, and stop trying to convince the woman that she should keep going unless she clearly and enthusiastically shows she wants to participate.
If you really care about your partner this might be a good time to talk instead of being physical.
4-Non Consent:
This should be obvious but NO means NO. Always.
If your partner explicitly says that she does not want to engage in sex or a particular activity during sex then you have to stop or you are committing a sexual assault. Yes it really is that simple.
Another obvious non-verbal example of non-consent is the woman trying to push you away from her, and trying to get away from you, or becoming emotional and possibly crying. If this is happening then you are obviously doing something the woman does not like, or does not want to do… so you should STOP!
It is also important to note that consent can also be withdrawn by a woman at any time during an encounter. This means that even if she had initially agreed to sex and was an active and enthusiastic participant, she has the right to change her mind and say no, or stop participating.
Maybe she was under the influence of alcohol, drugs, or in the heat of the moment exercised bad judgment by participating in foreplay, but has now “come to her senses” or had some other reason for a change of heart. If this does happen then you might be confused or hurt and wonder why she suddenly changed her mind when she seemed so enthusiastic earlier. You may eventually find out why by talking to her patiently and politely… but first you need to STOP!
Non-consent also includes circumstances where a woman is unable to give consent such was when they are fully or partially incapacitated by the effects of alcohol or drugs. If you come across a woman who is unconscious because of too much drinking, the gentlemanly thing to do is to look after her… not to look after yourself by having sex with her!
Lastly, giving women alcohol or drugs with the intent of “loosening them up a little” is not only ungentlemanly behaviour… it is criminal and predatory.
Summary:
Hopefully you now understand the difference between clear and unequivocal consent compared to all the possible degrees of non-consent. Non-consent can cause hurt feelings and friction between you and your partner at best, and put you in jail at worst. Be the guy who exercises good moral judgment and walks with his head held high because he sets an example for all the other men. This includes how you conduct yourself during “locker room banter” with the guys because not correcting bad behaviour is the same as condoning it.
Ok, a quick quiz before we finish this page. Of the 4 degrees of consent I listed above how many are acceptable forms of consent?
If you answered 1 (the first example) then you clearly understand consent from a moral, ethical, and legal standpoint. If you didn’t then maybe you should read this page again starting from the top.
If you think any of my information is incorrect, or can be improved please do contact me. My sensual journey is far from over and I am always looking to learn new things, or improve/correct things I thought I knew.