I frequent several internet discussions boards where both men and women speak frankly and openly about a wide range of sex related topics. When discussing oral sex women frequently state that they want their man to continue doing the same pattern, at the same speed, and same pressure until they orgasm. They seem to need consistent repetition in order to achieve their orgasm. One of their frequent frustrations is that their men eventually change the speed, pressure, rhythm, pattern, of their stimulation often disrupting their ability to have an orgasm.
Note that I’ve sometimes been in situations where I have been providing oral stimulation for a long time, but my partner seems to be struggling to arrive at her orgasm. I have been providing significant stimulation directly to her clitoris for several minutes, while she has been tensing, and making noises like she is extremely aroused and nearly at her orgasm. But she also seems to have a look of concentration on her face like she is working hard at trying to push her orgasm along. So I try to keep working on her clitoris and trying to push her over into her orgasm but after a few minutes of maintaining the same pattern/rhythm/pressure/speed my mouth and tongue are getting tired. My partner still seems close to orgasm, but not any closer than she was a few minutes ago, and I’m beginning to wonder how much longer I can keep this up. It almost seems like her orgasm has become “stuck” somehow, and the sexual encounter has entered into a zone where it seems more like work than fun.
There are many reasons that you could arrive in this zone but before we talk about how we got here, let’s first address where we are. You want to give your partner an orgasm, and you are doing your best to get her there. You are giving her clitoris maximum attention and stimulation and you are pushing, pushing, pushing to get her over the edge. Meanwhile your partner wants to have her orgasm, both for her own pleasure, and because she knows how important it is to you that you have pleasured her. She is concentrating, and tensing, and she can feel the orgasm down there so she is doing her best to push her orgasm out. She may even be starting to feel a bit shy or self conscious about taking too long and worrying that you might be feeling a bit resentful about all the effort you are putting in.
So if what I’ve just described makes sense then the “stuck zone” is both a physical and mental place and is likely the result of both of you being too focused on the “goal” instead of on the fun journey. If you dig a little deeper into your own place in this zone you will likely notice that physically you are focusing primarily on stimulating her clitoris and you’ve stopped using your hands because you are concentrating so much on what your tongue is doing. Meanwhile mentally you are thinking, “keep going… just a little longer… she is almost there… keep going… damn, my tongue is tired… keep going… I don’t know how much longer I can keep this up… damn man, keep going… maybe try a little harder… she is almost there.” What is going on in your head helps explain what is not going on with the rest of your body because all of your concentration is on her clitoris.
If I find myself getting into this situation it helps to think back to how I got here. In my case it’s often because I was impatient and did not go slowly enough (rule#1). I might have rushed through foreplay a bit because I got too aroused and lost my patience. Or more specifically when I started oral sex I did not put enough time and effort into oral foreplay/teasing and focused too early or too quickly on her clitoris.
So this is where my advice becomes a bit controversial. The most common theme I have expressed in this website is to be attentive to what your partner wants, and to give her what she wants. The general consensus from women is that during oral sex they want you to maintain the same pattern, at the same speed, at the same pressure for as long as necessary for them to achieve a satisfying orgasm. However my (controversial) advice is not to listen to them in this one case.
I know I should not generalize because every sexual encounter is different, but in my experience a woman’s orgasm is usually not too far out of reach if you have invested the right amount of time and effort into effective foreplay, teasing, and in some cases edging. This is why I recommend that you try to make sex into a game as much as possible so the journey is just as important as the destination so you avoid letting it become work (towards her orgasm).
If we review some of the techniques in my oral sex example then your partner’s arousal level should increase each time you apply a “wave”. Use your hands and mouth in unison beginning with soft teasing movements which gradually become firmer and more intense until it comes to a peak causing a wave which “crashes on the beach” (possibly giving my partner her orgasm). If the peak does not result in an orgasm then your partner is not ready yet, and that’s fine because you are patient and willing to provide many more waves for your partner to ride on. After providing a peak for a few seconds (or minutes) you can ease off and gradually build up another wave for her to ride on. This is where you need to be attentive and patient, because if you hold/prolong the peak too early and your partner was not ready for her orgasm then she may become parked, or enter the “stuck zone”.
Hopefully I don’t come off sounding like I’m trying to “mansplain” or that I think I know what my partner wants more than she does. I’m simply trying to think outside the box and potentially offer my partner an alternative to her usual experience. Or to put it another way, “how does she know if she likes green eggs and ham if she’s never tried it“?
The way I see it, my “teasing is best theory” can have 3 potential results.
I got it right!
If I was right then the extensive foreplay and teasing games have introduced my partner to a uniquely satisfying experience that was different from the routine pattern she normally experienced from oral sex. It’s possible that I have taken her to a higher level of arousal than she has typically experienced before, and she may have even entered the “O-zone” where she is beginning to experience frequent and intense orgasms. Note that I have been with ladies who were not known to be multi-orgasmic but who were able to experience multiple orgasms due to achieving a higher level of arousal. This was a thrilling experience (for both of us).
I got it half right
It could be that my partner does thoroughly enjoy all the games we play, and she achieves a very high level of stimulation… but riding the waves does not result in an “easy” orgasm. That is ok too. I just maintain the peak level of contact for longer durations each time I build up a wave. As I build up the wave I observe her response to see what speed, pressure, pattern, rhythm, or technique she likes and then I try to keep it constant and hold it for longer each time. When she eventually has her orgasm I pay careful attention to her stimulation needs to help carry her through the best orgasm I can. So even though my teasing did not bring her to her orgasm on entering a peak she still enjoyed the journey and (hopefully) had a satisfying orgasm as well.
I got it wrong
There can still be times where no matter how much effort I put into teasing and edging, or how attentive I am when building up stimulation waves, and even holding the stimulation peaks my partner still struggles to have an orgasm. Note many people (both women and men) can have satisfying sex without having an orgasm. It is possible that this might be one of those times for your partner. Or it could be that you have been misreading her physical responses and cues and you are just not getting her to the right place. So before I give up there is still one more thing I can try.
I pause briefly and ask my partner if there is anything specific she would like me to do. If she is satisfied with were this journey has gone and does not need any more oral sex then hopefully she will say something like “I’d like you to fuck me now”. But if she still wants to have her orgasm, and I’m not getting it right then hopefully she will tell me (as explicitly as possible) what she needs. She may say to use medium speed and pressure on her clitoris, and to press harder or go faster when she gets close. Then I begin another stimulation wave and do my best to match her request. (Note: If you were about to go straight for her clitoris after pausing then shame on you… go back and read some more of this website).
As I build the stimulation wave up to a peak, I hold eye contact with my partner and watch her for cues that I am getting it right. It might be helpful at this point if she gives me some verbal cues as well such as “Yes, like that”. Hopefully we can keep the verbal cues as short and simple as possible, because I tend to think that too much talking at moments like this can be distracting from the moment (just my opinion). It might also be helpful if my partner grabs my hair at this point because she can control the pressure of my stimulation. Simple verbal cues like “faster”, or “harder”, or “just like that, don’t stop”, should help to get her to her orgasm if I am paying attention and doing exactly what she says. Once we get to this point, I am in the game until the end. Like a marathon runner, I will keep on pushing myself forward no matter how tired I am feeling. I will keep going until my partner either screams in pleasure, or tells me to stop.
So even though my preference is to bring my partner up to scream level by patiently applying lots of teasing and edging, sometimes she may need the comfort and reassurance of a predictable and consistent journey. The good news is that even if I was wrong about how to get to the destination, I have not met many ladies who did not appreciate a generous application of foreplay, and teasing.
Let’s trade places
It might help to try reversing the roles and apply this to a male’s perspective. If your partner was to shove you up against the wall, unzip your pants, and begin giving you a blowjob, then you might find it a huge turn on. You may start out soft, but quickly become hard and aroused, and your partner continues the blowjob until you orgasm (probably quickly). That might be a memorable encounter, but let’s say that in the worst case this was how your partner always gave you oral sex. After a few times you might find it less of a turn on, and having your partner put your limp, un-aroused penis in her mouth might not be very stimulating to you. But you go with the flow and eventually become erect and aroused, but you might struggle to get to orgasm.
After a while you might find yourself concentrating more and more on trying to get to your orgasm, and begin worrying that your partner is beginning to get tired or frustrated that you have not cum yet. So you start imagining scenes from porn to get yourself more stimulated, or concentrate on relaxing and feeling the sensations on your penis. You probably even find that you need your partner to provide constant speed, pressure, rhythm, and pattern to get you there, and you might begin giving her some verbal cues like, “use your tongue more must under the tip”, “yeah, just like that… don’t stop”.
If you’ve ever been in this situation then rolling back the clock and starting over with some foreplay and teasing likely would have been the solution to getting you to your orgasm without having to “force it out”. So if you consider that many of your partner’s sexual experiences have possibly been too rushed, without adequate foreplay, and even some teasing then it might make sense that her expectations of oral sex have been affected by these experiences.
Summary
This advice about “not listening to your partner” is mostly aimed at your initial encounters when you are still learning about each other’s sexual preferences. This is not intended to be a battle of wills or a case of my ego taking precedence over my partner’s needs. It’s more a case of me trying to offer my partners an alternative to the sexual “routine” that they have established from so many sexual encounters where her orgasm was the hasty goal for her partner.
What is important about satisfying sex isn’t about impressing your partner with your stimulation tricks, or thinking you know what your partner wants more than she does. It’s about being able to offer your partner enough creative variety to make sex interesting and stimulating, but also being ready to do exactly what your partner needs if your variety is not what she is after.
Obviously the long term answer is to have good communication about your partner’s likes and dislikes, and especially about variations in what she likes. I find the best times for discussions are the “after sex chats” when you are cuddling with your partner and both of you are still basking in the after glow. I find many women are more receptive to these talks immediately after sex, and the memories (including feelings) are still very fresh in their minds. An example that I like to talk about is with partner’s who are hypersensitive during orgasm. I ask if applying pressure helped, and if they got enough stimulation from it. Or I ask if they liked it when I squeezed and massaged their pubic mound or stimulated their G-spot during their orgasm. I find that ladies are much less shy about these discussions during after sex cuddles than they are during non-sexual encounters such as sitting in the living room fully clothed.
If you think any of my information is incorrect, or can be improved please do contact me. My sensual journey is far from over and I am always looking to learn new things, or improve/correct things I thought I knew.